When Mental Health Conversations Go Badly
Photo by Kindel Media from Pexels
You’re ready to talk about your mental health with a coworker, employee, or leader. You’ve thought about what you want to say and you set your intentions.
Everything seems to be going well as you start off explaining why you’re talking about this — when all of a sudden the conversation veers off course. It puts you in panic mode and now you’re not sure what to say.
Instead, you leave that conversation feeling even more uncomfortable, frustrated that you weren’t able to talk things through, and even a little fearful of the consequences.
I get it because we’ve all been there — even me, a former therapist (when I used to work in Corporate America in a previous life).
Opening up about our mental health, in general, can be tough. When you add on the pressures and perceptions of the workplace, it doesn’t exactly give you the warm fuzzies about the process — especially when historically we’ve been discouraged from doing this.
Situations like this are upsetting and they should be.
So let’s accurately set expectations upfront: there will be some discomfort as you learn and add to your toolbox when it comes to developing this skill set.
To help you improve your skills, here are four strategies you can use to help you through those difficult conversations if they don’t go well.
WHERE MENTAL HEALTH CONVERSATIONS CAN GO WRONG
When it comes to talking about our mental health, why do misunderstandings happen in the first place? Where does it begin?
The short answer is that we’re all influenced by our life experiences. There are factors both in and out of the office that shape who we are and how we interact with others, such as:
Our gender
Culture, ethnicity, and home life
How we view ourselves
Our work environment and relationships
These are only a few examples, but it shows how each person can have a different perspective around the same topic. When these conversations don’t go well, it’s usually because we forget to keep this idea in mind (in addition to people potentially saying the wrong thing or just being a butthead).
Now I’m not giving anyone an excuse for reacting badly and causing you discomfort. But it’s important to remember — everyone has different comfort levels when it comes to talking about mental health and mental illness.
EXAMPLE SITUATIONS
Before we dive into strategies to get a conversation back on track, take a look at these example situations. These four scenarios are the most common reactions I’ve seen.
Do any of them sound familiar to you?
Feeling betrayed:
You talk to your colleague about your mental health and share information that you want to remain confidential. Later, your colleague repeats what you discussed with others — without your consent.
Feeling reluctant, hostile, or dismissive:
You see a team member struggling and you want to support them (as a manager or coworker). So you mention your concerns to your colleague, but they aren’t open to the conversation. Their reaction is to shut you down and make it clear they don’t want to talk about it.
Feeling discomfort:
A colleague shares their mental health concerns with you, but you don’t know how to respond. You feel out of your depth or like they should talk to someone else about it. (This could also apply in reverse, where you share with a colleague and they feel discomfort.)
Feeling judged:
As a leader, you decide to talk to another leader about what you’re going through. They react by saying some hurtful and judgmental things — and you feel ashamed, upset, or even angry with their response.
While there are many ways the conversation could go wrong, these examples give you an idea of what could happen.
4 TIPS TO GET BACK ON TRACK
If the conversation doesn’t go well, try to stay calm. While there are strategies to deal with this, here’s something important to keep in mind:
“[If the conversation doesn’t go well]... your mission hasn’t catastrophically failed. It… [just means] that person may not be able to give you what you need. This is an important lesson to learn in life, whether it’s in or outside of work – learning and acknowledging what people can and cannot give you.”¹
TIP #1 — SET YOURSELF UP FOR SUCCESS
When you decide to talk about an important topic like your mental health, take steps to make sure that you’re not starting off on the wrong foot.
Your goal is to have a constructive conversation with the other person so be strategic in your approach. Make sure you:
Choose a day, time, and place (in person or virtually) when you can both focus on the conversation
Emphasize confidentiality at the start
Explain, very clearly, your goals and reasons for talking to the other person
Address any concerns or fears you have about opening-up
Clarify what you mean — don’t assume the other person can read your mind
Lay these things out in the beginning — and this should (hopefully) lead to a smoother conversation.
TIP #2 — MAKE COURSE CORRECTIONS
As the conversation continues, things may start to get off track. Maybe the other person is unresponsive, rude, or tries to “fix” everything by offering unnecessary solutions when you just want them to listen.
If this happens, it’s important to pause the conversation and take a deep breath. Then, follow these two steps:
Check-in with the other person.
Go back to the basics.
When you ask about the other person’s thoughts or feelings, you give them the space to express themselves. This gives you the opportunity to understand their perspective.
Once you hear what they say, take it back to the basics and the beginning of the conversation. You may need to repeat your goals and reasons for having this conversation — or explain what kind of support you’re looking for.
The goal is to open the lines of communication between you both so you can still move forward and make progress in the conversation.
TIP #3 — DEAL WITH BETRAYAL
When someone shares confidential information about you with others, it can really hurt — but you can address it, as difficult as it may be.
If you find out someone betrayed your trust, it’s important to talk to them directly. During that conversation, it’s best to:
Use “I” statements when expressing yourself
Tell them that you’re not ok with what they did
Reiterate your boundaries and explain how they crossed them
Try to find out why they betrayed your confidence
Address the above reason (if you can)
Keep in mind that you have nothing to be ashamed of. Talking about your mental health at work is a healthy discussion to have — despite what others would have you believe.
TIP #4 — ESCALATION OPTIONS, IF REQUIRED
If talking to the other person isn’t working and they won’t listen, it’s time to escalate the situation — especially if things are getting difficult for you because of rumors or bullying.
“If the issue is about a colleague, consider speaking to your boss and having a three-way mediation session to address the issue. If the issue is with your boss, you may need to speak to your HR department if you have one, and if you don’t, you may need to approach your boss’s boss (just breathe). Or, if you feel you need to make a formal complaint, depending on your company’s policies, this may result in an HR investigation.”¹
As scary as this can sound, the goal is to get any behavior that’s impacting your job to stop. It’s not the perfect solution (that doesn’t exist), but you may get to a point where you need to set that boundary.
KEEP TRYING TO CONNECT
Talking about mental health at work is difficult enough. When the conversation doesn’t go well, it can be even harder — but there are things you can do when this happens.
The key is to know your options and how to use them. No one ever gets a skill right 100% of the time, and this skill set is included in that. Don't let potential misfires deter you. It's in those misfires where the key learnings are.
Want to learn more tips to talk about your mental health at work? Check out Melissa’s new book.
Struggling to work through those difficult conversations? Reach out to Melissa to set up a workshop training.
Sources:
Doman, Melissa. Yes, You Can Talk about Mental Health at Work: Here's Why ... and How to Do It Really Well. Welbeck Publishing Group, 2021.
